63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
31. Act like you are retarded.
32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
33. Mumble to yourself.
34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
38. Ask if he watches Cops.
39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
40. Giggle if he did.
41. Talk to your hand.
42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
46. Try to sell him your car.
47. Ask if you can buy his car.
48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
49. Play with the siren.
50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner
52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.
53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
57. Turn your head and whistle.
58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
62. Tell him you like men in uniform.
63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
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MORE JOKES ADDED WEEEKLY The Priest and the Rabbi
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
TEN WAYS You Know You Married a COP!
10. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up
9. Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"
8. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie
7. Calls farting his "silent alarm"
6. The obvious nightstick reference.
5. You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"
4. Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzer!"
3. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going.
2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.
1. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!!!!
Subject: Tech support revenge
Bill Gate's Police Call
"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"No."
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates."
"Country?"
"The USA."
"Native language?"
"English."
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes."
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No."
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes."
"Any pies then?"
"No."
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not."
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department."
A Brave Drunk
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating
doughnuts?"
Mary Had A Little Gun
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
Top 15 things to say if caught sleeping at your desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. ""Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
1. And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: "Amen".
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION:
1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
4) He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU:
1) He refers to you as "our mascot".
2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
3) Your locker is also the broom closet.
4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.
6) He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
Police Department Tour
Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
Another DWI Stop
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The Accident
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you high rollin' lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "OH MY GOD," screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!!!!"
YOU MIGHT BE A COP IF.........
You have the bladder capacity of five people;
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience;
You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm;
Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change;
You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you;
You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal;
You can identify a negative "tattoo to tooth" ratio just by looking at a person;
You find humor in other people's stupidity;
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac;
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see;
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance;
You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest;
You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce;
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here";
You refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer";
You believe that chocolate is a food group;
You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick;
You have wanted to hold a seminar on "Suicide, getting it right the first time;,
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid jury verdict;
You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably;
You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar;
You believe the dispatcher is possessed;
You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form;
You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables;
You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick;
You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions;
You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone;
You correlate "two beers" with 0.15 BAC;
You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car;
You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime;
STILL MORE COP JOKES AND TRUE STORIES ADDED WEEKLY
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo....of handcuffs.
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.The following exchange takes place....
Man "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
TOP 12 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter with his fingerprints. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ _-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Judy was pulled over for speeding by a Pennsylvania State Trooper on the Pa Turnpike. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied, "No, State Troopers don't have balls." There followed a long moment of silence while she smiled and it dawned on him just what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing so hard she couldn't even start her car for several minutes!
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just rant that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the donut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had enough.
"Sir, I can do better than that."
He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now, sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to complete stop?"
IF YOU HAVE ANY FUNNY OR UNUSUAL STORIES ABOUT COPS E-MAIL:
djandrew2003@yahoo.com
Monday-Friday 8:00am-5:00pm
HOW TO MAKE A POLICE OFFICER CRY
Would you like to see him bury his face in his hands, bawl like a baby and slam his fist into the side of his patrol car? It's easy.
Start by refusing to listen to your wife when she suggests that she drive. Don't be a whimp. Assert yourself. Say, "Aw heck, I can drive better with a few beers under my belt than you can cold sober."
Twenty minutes later you are standing in the dark on the side of the highway with broken glass and spilled gasoline around. Your wife is screaming, pinned beneath the jagged edges of twisted metal.
Your two year old daughter is silent. Your six year old son is sprawled face down 30 feet away.
The Officer smells the alcohol on your breath when you try to explain, and he's not gentle as he pushes you into the patrol car and tells you to shut up.
Then he turns his attention to what's left of your family and your car.
Congratulations. You've made a Police Officer cry.
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