Worst Flavors Of Ice Cream
Rat & Blackcurrant
Diaper & Mouthwash
Brussel Sprout and Bean curd
Pizza with extra garlic and hamburger (chunks of all toppings included)
Steak! It's what's for dessert!
Sardine with Chestnuts
Chicken Fat Ripple
Tomato and Garlic
Squirrel with Pralines
Chunky Garlic Artichoke
Salt and Pepper
Mushroom soup swirl
Creamed Bacon Grease
Sour cream and onion
Signs Your Kid Is Not Exactly A Genius
They stick their finger back in the socket to show you how they got shockedo. His vacation for 2 months was traveling from one seat cushion on our couch to the next. He's in love with a cartoon character. He flunked GOLF. He waves good bye on the phone She sits around wondering what branch of the military Captain Kangaroo was in. He uses Saran Wrap on the TV Antenna because you're out of aluminum foil. He puts both legs in one pants leg, and makes it to the bus stop without noticing. He/she wants to be just like you when he/she grows up. He likes to lick the family cat. When they're reading the Cat in the Hat in the 11th grade English class. He sits backwards on his bike while riding it on the freeway. And doesn't fall off. Stays up all night cramming for a Social studies exam and the next day realizes he should have been studying for a Science exam. Tries to call 911 from his modem just to see if he can do it. You find him trying to drown his pet goldfish When he gets bored he try's to bite his ear. He makes you wish the name "Dumbo" hadn't been wasted on an elephant. He gets thirsty and decides to drink form the toilet just like the dog does. He runs out of the bathroom, yelling, "YES! I finally aimed right!" Trying to trick you he taps you on your right shoulder. the only problem is he's you right side. He goes to Egypt and looks for the Food Pyramid Yes, Homer that one's defiantly yours... When you ask him "what's the capital of Vermont", and he replies"V"? He has The Stupid Page in his favorite places. She asks you the what the square root of 25 is. She reached legal drinking age last month. My 3 year old niece likes to think she is scared of bugs but you wouldn't ever know it because she always goes up to them makes sure it dead then starts screaming her head off. If it's not dead then she'll kill it THEN start screaming. He repeatedly says the dog ate his homework. You only have a cat. He puts his pants on with the zipper in the back. He eats soup with a fork. His favorite saying is... "Three words- Brain Damaged" He thinks the theory of Relativity explains why he can't marry his cousin. My daughter recently came home with a write up slip from school because of cheating on an open book test.
Things You've Been Hit In The Head With
A tomato. Unfortunately in a can. A chicken A golf club Another head A horseshoe. Yes it did hurt. I had a shaved head at the time. Metal bar on t-bar ski lift. (After I had fallen down and been run over by 3 skiers using me as a speed bump.) A paper airplane with its tail set on fire and covered with glue. My hair was nearly all burned off. My husband head-butted me in the middle of the night while he was still asleep. He didn't have a clue what he had done it until in the morning when he said that his head hurt. I then told him what he had done. A burnt refrigerator biscuit - As a newlywed, I forgot about the biscuits in the oven for dinner. I remembered them when the oven started to smoke. The biscuits looked like hockey pucks. My husband started laughing really hard, so I threw one at him. He ducked and it put a dent in the wall. He tossed it back to me and it hit me in the chin. Pregnancy I duct taped PEZ dispensers to my ceiling and they soon fell on me in the middle of the night. They hurt more than I had expected them to. When I was a kid my friend and I got into a fight, and he hit me on the head with his fist. Then he fell down in extreme pain. He had forgotten that he had just had a cast taken off his arm that morning. He broke his wrist in the same place. while fishing my cousin caught a rather large bass and whacked me in the head with it. I couldn't get the smell out for a few days. Car A frying pan! My youngest daughter started watching that Dinosaurs show! My computer monitor (Editor - probably fell asleep reading The Stupid Page) Mini Blinds (and they broke when they hit me in the head!!!) A bee at 80 mph. Moral - never ride at speed with your helmet visor up. My brother once hit me over the head with a portable oven!
Things You Never Want To Hear Your Doctor Say
Gross! I hope you don't plan on having any more kids. Twins! Is that supposed to be there? What is that? (ACTUAL) DOCTOR: "Ooooh, that's gonna hurt!" ME:"What?!!?" DOCTOR:"Nothing, all's fine." Uh-oh!!! Where did I leave that clamp? In the interest of conserving the environment I'm going to reuse all my medical supplies. Where did I put that Vaseline? Oops... Yeah I have one of those too, wanna see? Who tried to repair this? Congratulations, Sir, you're pregnant! You have really nice tan lines. Have you seen where I left that thermometer? You don't have to be #1 in your class to get a job Hmmm... Everything looks fine, but bend over anyway. To secretary: "Oh, Jan, has my lawyer called yet?" Has that always been like that? Are you sure you're a woman? Kidneys? I thought this was another vasectomy! I only killed one guy. Hey, George! Come look at this!!!! This is gonna hurt you more than it does me. Where's my glove? Hold this we might need it later I'll be listening to your heart through this paper towel tube. I can't find a pulse! There's bad news and good news. The bad news is, you have about a month left. The good news is they're naming a disease after you. Would you like fries with that? Have you written a will? Dang, that's a big one. Hey nurse, Come look at all the different colors! After checking your test results: "Can you pay cash?" Clear!
Worst Places To Go On Your Honeymoon
The backyard for a cookout. The old and smelly pool house in your new mother and father-in-law's backyard. Greenland Death Valley UNDER Niagara Falls Caesar's Palace Your mama's guest room over the garage Tour of a Meat-Locker
This blonde was at work one day and was getting so mad at her co-workers because they kept telling dumb blonde jokes. So she decided to show them. She would go home tonight and memorize ALL the capitals of each state. So she stayed up all night until she could say each capital. The next day, when her co-workers started the jokes again, she Yelled, "I'm no dumb blonde! I know all the capitals of the states!" So one of them walked up to her and said "Oh really? Well then, What's the capital of Wisconsin?" She said proudly, "W!"
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face. "Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?"
"Yes," the doctor replies.
"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.
"So what's the problem?"
"I think I'm going deaf."
Have you heard about the new Barbie Doll? It's called the "Barbie Divorce Doll" and it comes with all of Ken's stuff!
What do you call a blond corpse in the closet? The 1995 hide and seek champion! What was the last thought to go through her ? I WON!
Two peanuts were walking through Central Park. One was assaulted.
Two guys walked into a bar, but the third one ducked.
Two blondes were walking in the woods and they came upon some tracks. The first blonde said, "Oh look, deer tracks!" The second blonde then said, "No dummy, they're wolf tracks." Five minutes later a train hit them.
A married couple is in bed sleeping and someone knocks on the front door. So the husband gets up to check it out. It's some drunken guy, he asks the hubby for a push. So the husband goes in and talks it over with his wife. He doesn't want to help but she reminds him of the time when he was drunk and needed help. The man gets dressed and exits the house, ready to help the drunk. He looks around and finds the man sitting on their porch swing.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. When he hears someone say "nice shirt" he asks the bartender, "Who said that?" The bartender replied, "The peanuts. They're complimentary."
There was a man who went to a baseball game. He buys a hot dog, and a coke. He finds a seat in the crowded stands and sits. He's about to take a bite of his hotdog when someone yells, "HEY BOB!" He stands up and looks around, but doesn't see anyone so he sits down. Right before he can take a sip of his drink someone yells, "HEY BOB!!" He stands up, looks around, doesn't see anyone and sits down. Again someone yells, "HEY BOB!!!" Agitated he stands up and screams, "MY NAME'S NOT BOB!!!!"
Two blondes go to a concert at the Silverdome and never come home. The next day the police went to their homes and told their parents the bad news. Their daughters drowned apparently while the crowd was doing the wave.
A mushroom walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a beer and the bartender said no I'm not going to serve you, he asks the bartender a couple more times and the bartender says no I'm not going to serve you. Then the mushroom says "What's the matter? I'm a fun guy!"
Q:Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
A: Its rated "Arrrrr."
What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run! She has a grenade in her mouth!
What do you two banana peels?
A pair of slippers.
Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of a river. The blonde on the far side of the river yells to the other blonde and says " How do I get to the other side?" The blonde on the nearer shore looks puzzled and yells back " You ARE on the other side"
What kind of cheese do dogs like on their pizza?
What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them!!!
What do you call a deer that doesn't have any eyes?
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no-eye deer!
A blond walks into a store and sees a TV she wants to buy, so she goes to the cashier and he says, "Sorry I don't sell to blondes." She goes home and dies her hair brown and goes back the next day and goes to buy the TV, the cashier then says, "Sorry I don't sell to blondes." So she goes home and dies her hair black and comes back the next day and tries to buy the TV, but the cashier says"sorry I don't sell to blondes" The blonde replies, "How can you tell?" "That's a microwave you're trying to buy."
How do you kill a dumb blond?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool!!!
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I've got a drink named after you." After a few seconds the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"
George is with a German and an Italian on a plane. The plane crashes on an desert island. They find a magic lamp with a genie and the genie grants them each one wish. First the German wishes to go home and "PUFF" he goes home. Then the Italian wishes to go home too and "PUFF" he is at home too. Then it's George's turn and he says, "Boy I sure miss those guys."
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them they are physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thank the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you will forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down. With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
"It's time like this I wish I listened to my mother" "Why, what did she say?" "I don't know... I didn't listen"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks John. "It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy. "All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Buffy's house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the corn flakes back in the box."
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyards caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"
You Might Be Stupid If...
...you can't remember how to spell "IQ."...you can't remember the number for 911....you just discovered your AM radio also works in the afternoon....you use correction fluid on your PC monitor....you fail Physical Education....you can not spell it....you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage!...you put braille on a drive up teller machine....you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company....you think a pigpen is something to write with!!!...you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles....you use your CD-ROM unit as a drink holder....you frequently misspell your own name....you've ever been stuck in a toilet seat....you walk your kid to school because you're in the same grade....it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes....you often wonder who Ronald McDonald's parents are....you sell your car for gas money....you think Hamburger Helper comes with a man....you try thinking and nothing happens....you think a quarterback is a refund!!!...you think hot dogs are real meat....people nick-name you Homer....you cook Minute Rice for an hour!...upon approaching a traffic sign that says STOP AHEAD, you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head....you lose $25 on a horse race and then lose $25 on the instant replay!...you were the one testing out the shark bite suit....you get tangled up in a cordless phone....you need to be reminded to breath....someone tells you to call 911, and you can't find the 11!...you take a donut back cause it has a hole in it!...you stare at an orange juice can because it says concentrate....you have to look "stupid" up in the dictionary....you sit on the T.V. and watch the couch....you tell your wife not to laugh as you point a gun to your head, because she is next!...you think Yogi Bear played for the Yankees....you bronze a gold medal as a keep sake....you get lost in your closet.... you take an I.Q. test and forget to write your name....you go around a revolving door looking for the door knob....you list the police department as a reference on your resume....you get fired from volunteer work....a hamburger is a cheeseburger, hold the cheese, to you....you run around looking for a quarter to call 911....you can't find the "ANY" key on the keyboard....you feel for one millisecond that you may have won the sweepstakes this time despite the fact that it is stamped in clear view "bulk rate."...you try to look up a word in the dictionary without knowing how to spell it correctly, and you can't find it. Feeling like a ''genius'', that you realize that WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY made an error....you have to look on both ends to open a bottle....someone offers you a bagel and you reply, "No thanks, I already have a dog!"...you turn the light on to see if it's dark....you take your chia pet for a walk....you wear your glasses while looking for them.